Where it All Began Every great tool that changes a culture starts with a great story. Some are born out of necessity. Others are stumbled upon. Here's how the Amish Condom began...
Divine Intervention Every Amish person is offered the right to experience the secular world -- otherwise known as "Rumspringa" -- so that they may truly determine whether they want to return and adopt the ways of the Amish culture. Prior to departing on his Rumspringa, Hezekiah’s father, Amos, had passed down a cherished family heirloom. Amos explained this was his father’s father’s father’s father’s father’s handmade contraceptive device. Not knowing how important this heirloom would become, Hezekiah packed it away and set out to see the world. Just like any great invention, it took an accident and serendipitous moment to discover something special and it was during a night of bliss Hezekiah was faced with a choice… a choice that would change his life and, indeed the world. In his choice young Hezekiah would find his destiny in a Rumspringa one sweaty night revealing how hard wood could be beneficial for the rest of mankind. It was during this time of Rumspringa when Hezekiah was set loose on the secular world, to secure his choices in faith and sow his oats, that he discovered that all of the secular options for birth control were inferior. He asked himself how something so flimsy and jellied could bring any satisfaction. In the back of a Quaker hog farm, one moist night Hezekiah was free to make choices with the farmer’s two daughters. As he inspected and unwrapped this little devil circle, or as his companions called it a “Jimmy Hat”, he was disgusted by its crude implementation. In horror he knew it was Satan’s work, finding his member shrinking. He struggled to one arm wrestle the beast. After minutes of struggling watching his proudest moment shrink before his eyes he acted quickly. Unsheathing his splendorous wood the girls were a gasp. Before the twins could speak, Hezekiah lashed on his multi-generational, old-growth, strong wooden condom. It was only in the afterglow and stank air that the two questioned the strange apparatus -- recounting his father’s story -- that Hezekiah found his calling. It was a vision from the Lord that told him he could never return to the community, work the fields or milk the cows ever again. He knew he had to spread more than just the word…..
The Birth of the Threesome It wasn't easy to develop the condoms for the English world. In fact, it was a long and hard road to bring the condom to fruition. Things he took for granted on the farm were not the same with the English. Take the size of the condom; everyone in the Amish community was the same size which meant it could be easily passed down from father to son without worry of it fitting. It bewildered him that men could be equal in the eyes of God, but not in the pants. Hezekiah struggled night after night with the sizes of men’s members and knew he needed to provide for variety of man in sizes of wood. He started with the standard size, the middle of road condom that was as much of a measure of a man in Amish society as it was in modern man’s world. The “Country Gentleman”, as it would be later called, reflected the service of every man -- Amish or not. Next, he had to set his sight's on the shorter, not so endowed men of the world. He aptly named this cuter product after an agile bird of flight, rapidly sticking its nose like a prick in and out of trees in great succession. The “Wood Pecker” he thought would sum up the smaller, but usable condoms for the select member. After trips to Harlem and Detroit he found that the larger of the society were far too girthy to fit into the everyman’s shoes. Not wanting to commit one of the Seven Deadly Sins, he avoided jealously by not excluding this part of the population. He dubbed it the “Barn Raiser,” named after the strongest and burliest act of raising large lumber to erect a tall barn for all to see and marvel at. Offering all three in one package harkened back to the simplicity of all things and of all packages and kept quiet the shunning eyes of people questioning the size of a man’s manhood. The rest is history...
Spread More Than the Word... We hope you enjoyed hearing about the adversity our founder overcame to bring you the best condom on Mother Earth. Here at Amish Condoms we know you will not only cherish this condom, but use it every time with pride. We want this to be the last condom you will ever need to buy and definitely a treasure to pass on to your offspring. We know you will be so satisfied and secure in your purchase that you will tell your friends, launching a condom revolution. If you are too shy to broach the subject with your date, friend’s family or even total strangers buy one of our fine t-shirts and tell the world you put the wood to things. But it doesn’t stop there! When you are ready to start a family, you can find other uses for this wooden instrument too.
There are hundreds of applications: · Dip the tip in ink to use it as a pen · Put your loose coins in and it becomes a change jar · Put a plate in the bottom and convert it to a birdhouse for a feathered family · Add seed and have all the birds eating from your tip · So much more… Like Amos, when your offspring are ready to have their own brand of Rumspringa, pass down your Amish Condom and explain to him how the generations of sealant has graced this object. It’s a tradition. You will be proud to pass yours on from one generation to the next.
Now that you know the story, be part of the condom revolution! Buy one today!!
The Original - Amish Condom - Threesome Pack T-Shirt "Put the Wood to Her" T-Shirt "It's More Than a Birdhouse" Combo Pack - Threesome + T-Shirt "Put the Wood to Her" Combo Pack - Threesome + T-Shirt "It's More Than a Birdhouse" | 
